Kirby and the Mystery of the Slime Translation
In 1993, there was an official Kirby comic published in the German equivalent of Nintendo Power, called Club Nintendo. This comic was called Kirby und Das Geheimnis des Glibbers, or in English, Kirby and the Mystery of the Slime. This comic was never officially translated into any other language (and as far as I know it has never been privately translated either), so I decided to do it, and I'm putting my translation right here. Some things that are important to note: 1, this isn't a literal translation. It's close, but I wanted to make it easy to read as the first priority. 2, some things are important to know about the German words, so I put those in square brackets, as well as any other important details. 3, I'll admit I still don't fully understand the story; it gets pretty nonsensical at the end. So if anyone knows more German than I do, please feel free to edit the translation. The original comic is on the wiki page in full if anyone wants to see the illustrations, and later, I may make a version where I put the translation directly into the word bubbles. 4, I separated the word bubbles, so it's easier to reference the pictures if you want to do that. Even if a character has two word bubbles in a row, I put them as separate quotes.
Final note. This comic is slightly inappropriate, so please don't read it if you think you shouldn't.
OK, sorry for writing so much. But now that everything has been explained, here's my work-in-progress of a translation.
Kirby and the Mystery of the Slime
Woman, to Kirby, who has a book over his face
Woman: Good day! I hate to disturb, but… I have to speak with Mr. Kirby urgently. It’s a matter of life and death!
Woman: Namely, you have to know that I have a big problem. That’s also why my friend gave me this address. Where now is this Kirby?
Kirby, revealing his identity
Kirby: Get to the point, darling! I am Kirby, the famous private detective.
Woman: It’s this: for about three weeks, every night I’ve had the same nightmare. An unknown man creeps through my house and leaves behind everywhere shining slime…
Woman: ...The next day I wake up with a bad headache. Something isn’t right there, right?
Kirby: And my fee adds up to 200 Sparkling Stars per hour. When should I start?
Woman: For 200 Sparkling Stars definitely not!!! I’ll give you 50 Sparkling Stars at the most. No more! Else 50 kisses at the most!
Kirby: Who do you think you’re speaking to here? When I say 150 Sparkling Stars, I mean 150! Besides that, I want 50 kisses from you!
Woman: You are a really tough negotiation partner. Hopefully you’re also so good [at being a detective] as you are at bargaining.
Kirby: I beg you, my admirer! You’re speaking with the best private detective in the whole universe. It will be a joy for me to clear away your nightmares.
Woman: Very well then. I’ll await you this evening at nine. The address is Schlossallee [Castle Avenue] 6. Until then, you sweet, cuddly thing!
Surprised, looking at the woman’s mansion
Kirby: Oh, wow! I think I’m losing my breath!
Dedede [Kirby’s assistant]: Well, definitely classy!
Kirby: Classy, Dedede? You mean definitely snobbish!
Woman (in bedtime clothing): Good that you’re here. I wanted to go to bed immediately!
Everyone walks inside the mansion
Woman: This is my humble home.
Kirby: Humble? You mean, you live here all alone?
Everyone enters a bedroom, and Dedede falls asleep in the bed immediately
Kirby: He’s not called Naptime for nothing! [Dedede is called Naptime in German] You don’t have anything against it, do you? [addressing the woman]
Kirby: Then I want to see whether I can help this young lady. I am indeed a noble puffball [literally, “noble dumpling,” but I doubt that’s the intended translation].
Sees the woman sleeping, blushes
Kirby: Aha, she’s already dozing. This loveliness… she’s probably dreaming of me. Hihihi!
Sliding to the floor
Kirby: Yaaaaawn, I’m suddenly becoming so tired…
Kirby: Soooooooo tiiiiiiiired…
hears a shout and wakes up
Kirby: Hey! What type of noise was that? It came from the basement.
Walks to the basement, sees a man covered in slime
Kirby: Oh no!
Police officer [to Kirby]: At last we have you! You must be “Jack the Slime,” whom we have been searching for for weeks already. Now you are going behind bars!
Kirby: But… I’m innocent!
Narrator: Kirby was mistakenly confused with the criminal “Jack the Slime” in the investigation of the case and landed in prison…
Prison inmates, kicking Kirby around
Inmate #1: Dribbling, body fake and... shoot!
Kirby: And if I can speak: I f-f-feel n-nauseous. Oof.
Inmate #2: Cool! Like at the World Cup, only our ball can actually speak.
At Kirby’s trial
Woman: I beg you, your honor… 5,000 Sparkling Stars had to suffice as bailment!
Judge: Okay, here with the moolah.
Judge, proclaiming the decision
Judge: ...And that you indeed do not leave my country and are always within reach!
Kirby: I will find the actual culprit!
Everyone leaves the court
Dedede: Hurry, Kirby! Before it begins to rain, and our fish becomes wet… go! We will prove that you are innocent!
Talking to Dedede, everyone’s by the slimed body in the basement of the mansion
Bluefish: ...and I tell you, Mr. Dedede, Kirby fell victim to a conspiracy, someone wants him out of the way.
Dedede: That I also know, but who, fish head?
Kirby: Heads up, I’m thinking now.
Kirby: The victim lay completely slimed in my client’s house. Derrick [referring to the protagonist of a German detective TV show of the same name] always begins his inquiries at the crime scene, I’ll do that too!
Kirby: We have to go to the place where everything began, there, where I was arrested. The solution of the mystery must be there to find! Follow me!
Outside the woman’s mansion
Kirby: The house… it looks abandoned! As though no one had ever lived here!
Woman (different from Kirby’s client before): What do you want? The graceful woman? No, she is not here. She packed her things and left for Monaco on the spur of the moment.
Dedede: Abandoned? On the spur of the moment? Then she definitely has something to do with the matter. I have to follow her!
Kirby: Dedede, we’re flying to Monaco!
Dedede: But you aren’t allowed to leave the country!?
On an airplane to Monaco, snippets of different conversations
Kirby: There are simply situations in which one must ignore decrees!
Bluefish: Might I remind the gentlemen to change the water in my bowl one more time!?
Dedede: You mean, the pilot knows the way? It’s pretty far, isn’t it?
Narrator: ...So the three investigators make their way to Monaco on the trail of the mystery of the slime.
Bluefish: I believe trouble is coming to us!
Kirby: There she is!
The woman, Kirby's client from before, drives by in a car
Dedede: Kirby, that's the woman we’re searching for!
Jumping onto the car as it zooms by
Kirby: Wait here, I’m getting on the car!
Dedede: Uh-oh, hopefully he doesn’t barf her car full!
Woman: I can’t see, that must be the airbag!
Kirby: As if an airbag, madame!
Kirby, thrown out of car by car crash
Kirby: Nooooooo! I had her! The solution so close… argggghhh!
Driver of pillow truck, which the woman crashed into: Whoa, her car is totalled, but she’s laughing! Incredible! Quickly, gather the pillows [they fell out of the truck in the crash]! We must go onwards!
Narrator: After the accident, the pillows are collected together again, including Kirby. It's so stupid that the greatest detective of all time looks like a pillow…
Narrator: The truck with the very exasperated Kirby in its crowded trunk drives away… to Paris!
Narrator: What happened so far: the scholar Dr. M. Schaffnix [literally means “Dr. Achieve-Nothing] was discovered in the basement of the baroness Pussy Lavache. Kirby was mistakenly held as the culprit. To prove his innocence, he travels halfway around the world. In Paris, he becomes a witness to the mysterious Bio-Slime Congress.
Narrator: In Monaco, Kirby is confused with a head pillow and is loaded into a truck with a shipment of pillows for a French hotel.
Kirby, in a basket of pillows inside the hotel, seeing a sign for the Bio-Slime Congress
Kirby: “Bio-Slime Congress”??? I have the impression that luck brought me to the right place!
Kirby: Dr. Schaffnix was also a bio-slime researcher, if I’m not wrong!
Kirby: Dedede, I hear you snoring. What the… is happening here?
Kirby, running off, out of the basket of pillows
Kirby: At best, I’ll sneak into the congress hall, and eavesdrop a bit, what they’re discussing…
Man in charge of pillows, seeing Kirby run away
Man: Oh man! The last stuff was probably damaged [referring to the pillows, which Kirby pushed aside when jumping out]. That was my whole supply!
Food vendor pushing food in wagon: Calabash! Fresh calabash! Grade A!
Hiding inside the calabash, which is a type of gourd, to sneak into the meeting
Kirby: Hopefully my camoflauge doesn’t fly off…
Man #1 at conference: ...Yesterday we sent an ultimatum to the Pentagon. Either you pay us by 50 million Sparkling Stars by noon tomorrow, or New York will be sunken in slime. Besides that, we will...
Looking at the calabash where Kirby is hiding
Man #2: Mmm, this tasty calabash!
Man #3: I want a piece too!
Man #2: This calabash is quite overproduced! Just look at this strange husk, my gentlemen. Oh, I love this gene technology! Hehehe!
Kirby jumps out before he is eaten, everyone is shocked
Man #4: Waaaah! A spy! Stop him!
Man #5: He heard everything! We have to get rid of him!
Trapped inside a box by the men
Kirby: What is this supposed to do? I want out of here!
Kirby: Please don’t send me with the Federal Mail, otherwise I’ll never arrive!
Man #2: Ha! We’ll send you into Slime Paradise, from where there is no return. The Dream Landers will make sure of that! Hehehe!
Narrator: The scholars send Kirby as a mail package into Slime Paradise, a far away, mysterious country, from which no one has yet returned. The inhabitants there should be very hungry.
Narrator: And so it happens!
In Slime Paradise, still in the box
Kirby: Let me out of here!
Kirby: Ahhhh! Finally free!
Kirby: What a poor, noble puffball I am! How can I go home now?
Dream Lander: Welcome to Slime Paradise! Where do you come from?
Dream Lander: If you want to survive here, you need to know one thing: eat up your opponents to learn their ability!
Inhaling a Koozer
Kirby: Really? Then now I’ll eat this Koozer!
Kirby: I’m flying!
Kirby: I can fly! Crazy! Then now I’ll fly back to Monaco!
Narrator: After the consumption of a Koozer, Kirby can suddenly fly. In Monaco, he snatches Dedede and the smart bluefish, to fly with the both of them into the house of the baroness.
Kirby flying, Dedede and Bluefish holding on
Dedede: I always knew it… he’s bananas!
Bluefish: Don’t fly so fast, Kirby! I’m going to throw up soon!
Kirby: Wow, this reminds me of my job as a pinball ball! [reference to Kirby's Pinball Land, which had just been released at the time]
Dedede: What do you expect from this? The police already examined everything!
Kirby: I know for sure that the baroness is behind everything.
Kirby: Or the stupid woman [referring to the woman who told them the baroness left]…
In the basement of the mansion
Kirby: Fast, Dedede! It’s urgent!
Dedede: You mean, she hid something in her basement?
Kirby: I mean, I can remember a strange door…
In front of a door labeled “danger”
Kirby: There! I was right! The door!
Bluefish: Please no, Kirby…
Narrator: Kirby moves ever closer to the solution of the slime case. As an experienced detective, he considered everything. Each one, who had something to do with the case, was long ago completely bewildered. Which role does the stupid woman or the baroness play? What may be hidden behind the next door?
Kirby and Dedede: What is that?
Sees the baroness' set of clothing, realizes the person who appeared to be the baroness before was in disguise
Kirby: That’s a disguise! It’s not actually the baroness!
Dedede: It seems so! But what is all this for...?
Kirby: Hm, somebody wanted to deceive us. But who?
Narrator: Kirby, Dedede, and the bluefish are on the tip of the mystery of the baroness.
Kirby: I suppose that the fake baroness isn’t far…
Kirby: Aha, another door!
Kirby: Come, let’s go in there!
In the room, there is massive machinery
Dedede: Whoa, whoa, Kirby, let’s leave!
Kirby: So here is where the bio-slime is produced… that’s unbelievable!
Sees a man
Dedede: And who is that?
Shouting at the man
Kirby: Admit it! You’re the baroness! You disguised yourself.
Man: Please no! I’ll confess everything.
Man: Dr. S. R. Sokal forced me to produce the radioactive bioslime. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with it, but…
Man shatters vial of liquid on the ground, creating smoke
Man: Very well then! I can do it [produce bio-slime] otherwise, you mutated puffballs!
Kirby: Dedede! Where are you? I can’t see!
Dedede: Hihihi! Leave that, Kirby! Hihi!
Kirby: There! The baroness----ah----the guy is trying to escape.
Kirby: We have to stop him!
Man, riding on motorcycle
Man: You aren’t getting me! Nah-na-na-nah-na-nah-nah!
Seeing an empty car
Kirby: Does this car also have airbags?
In the car
Kirby: Bluefish, you have to steer!
Bluefish: I’m already steering, but it’s not working well for me…
Man falls off bike off a cliff
Man: Heeeeeelp! I’m faaaaaalling! Ahhhhhhh!
Kirby, Dedede, Bluefish fall from their car off the same cliff
Dedede: Hold Bluefish tight, Kirby! We’re falling!
Falling down through the air, head towards the ground
Dedede and Kirby: Huh!? The illustrator drew me upside down.
Hitting the ground hard
Kirby: Boris Becker can only dream of such a hard impact!
[Boris Becker was a professional German tennis player infamous for hitting with a lot of force.]
Kirby: Dedede, where have we landed?
Mario, Pacman, Blinky, Mega Man X, etc. make cameos here
Kirby: Gosh, we landed in a Nintendo world! But where is this bio-slimer?
Dedede: Behind there, Kirby! Come on, we have to get him!
Narrator: Kirby and Dedede take up the pursuit of the bio-slime producer.
Lying on the ground, stunned, points to Bluefish
Man: No, please do not hurt me! Him there, it's all his fault!
Bluefish: I think the time for the truth has come.
Bluefish: Very well then. End with the fun. I am indeed not a bluefish, but instead…
Narrator: What a thing, the bluefish under the wondering eyes of those present turned out to be the real Heino----ah----Kirby. This fact naturally raises other questions.
Mario: If the bluefish is Kirby, who’s Kirby?
Dedede jumps out of Kirby
Dedede: I am actually King Dedede!
Pacman: Oooh, ahhhh! But who then is King Dedede?
Dedede: Dear reader, it is time to make a confession to you. Come, Kirby! Tell them!
Kirby: The whole thing was my idea! I instructed Börti [the person Kirby was chasing] to slime Dr. Schaffnix to draw attention to the cereal problems.
Narrator: Bio-slime against the cereal problems? And that should now explain everything? Now, you probably have to be a huggable puffball to understand the bigger context [I take that to mean, you're not supposed to know what the cereal problems are].
Narrator: Well, dear reader! A question still remains open! If Kirby is the bluefish and King Dedede is actually Kirby----who then stands behind the disguise of King Dedede? Write to us if you think you’re on the trail to the solution of this unbelievable puzzle. Write to Club Nintendo [the magazine this comic was in]: Club Nintendo post office box 15 01; 63760 Grossostheim
Santa: Oh man, that was the most dim-witted comic the guys have ever come up with. Let’s see what kind of stupid ideas are yet to come…
Staring out window at Santa
Kirby and Dedede: Oh no! Even Santa can no longer be trusted.